“It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents. I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style, and my mother’s handwriting was so close to Santa’s. Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back to our house after he’d gone to everybody else’s? There’s only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence: our family was too strange and weird for even Santa Claus to come visit, and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment, this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly — but, let’s face it, he was also very judgmental. So, to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all was actually sort of a relief. “
On Religions - Keith Lowell Jensen
Religion - Eugene Mirman
“Like if you’re Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger’s.
Sell The Vatican, Feed The World - Sarah Silverman
“What is the Vatican worth? Like 500 billion dollars? This is great! Sell the Vatican, take a big chunk of that money, build a gorgeous condominium for you and all of your friends to live in — all the amenities: swimming pool, tennis court, water slide. And with the money leftover, feed the whole fucking world. You preach to live humbly and I totally agree, so now maybe it’s time for you to move out of your house that is a city. On an ego level alone you will be the biggest hero in the history of ever.”
Introduction To Christianity - Dave Allen
“[Nun]’If you come in here you gotta be a good little boy. Will you be a good little boy?’ I could see past her they had a fella nailed to a cross. Bloody right I’ll be a good little boy.”
Garden of Eden - Ricky Gervais
“Oh, by the way, if a snake comes and talks to you, he’s a lying little shit…”
Jesus’ Random Powers - Patton Oswalt
“Give Jesus the lunch powers”
Amish Sex - Dave Attell
“When I was a kid I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. You know what Im talking about - the Amish.”
Skip to 7:30
The Catholic Church - Louis CK
Sketch comedy - Louis CK goes behind the scenes of a Catholic Church.
Bible Fairy Tales - Bill Maher
“Fucking Jesus, I had the ball right there in the numbers. The other team out prayed us.”
